What an adventure!

I cannot believe it has almost been three weeks since our little family has grown.  Little Jordan couldn't wait to show up.
Tuesday October 29th, My mom, Chris and I went to sacred Heart Medical Center to check in. Because I was two weeks before my due date they were going to give me something to get my cervix ready and then in the morning they were going to start me on Pitocin to help labor along. After talking to the doctor earlier that day we had decided that I was in it for the long haul. I really was afraid of the idea of a C-section. I have never had one and I really didn't want this to be my first.
So, we got checked in, met my nurse, a really awesome guy named Tom, put in Lois in Clark and started the waiting process. With what they gave me contractions actually started. But I was at a small 1 and a 10 seemed very far away. I wasn't too worried though because and hadn't really started yet.
at around midnight Tom came in and stated that Jordan's heartbeat was low so they wanted to move me to try to help her get it up. They gave me oxygen and kept trying to find a way for me to lay where she would respond better. When they couldn't get it up they called my doctor. She came in and stated that Little girl was "intolerant to labor" (something I WILL use when she is older and we are talking about sex)  and that the doctor didn't feel comfortable letting it continue. She stated that if I was further along in the process that would be a little different but because we were still so early in the labor she really didn't think it would be safe. So we agreed to do a C-section. I didn't care at that point I just wanted my little girl to be ok. It's interesting, I had never been so scared in my life, however tears didn't even fall because I was so focused. This little girl had already been through so much because my body couldn't protect her like it did the boys, and now labor was even worse for her. I just wanted her to get a break. I wanted her to be ok. I would have done anything for her to be ok. So, around 1am Chris made the calls to family to let them know that we were going to go into surgery and she will be here with in the hour.
My mom, dad, brother, Molly, Landon and Isaac came up. I felt very strong that they boys not see me that stressed  and worried. I really wanted it to be a happy night for them. The only family I saw were my brother and mom before they wheeled me back. One of the most comforting moments was when my mother looked me in the eyes as she stroked my hair telling me that she absolutely knows that every thing would be ok. I realize now as I was worried for my daughter, wanting to relive her pain. My mom may have been feeling the same about her daughter, wanting to relive mine.
Chris got in his scrubs and he had to wait until they had me all prepped in the operating room. Mom said he just stood by the door, that he was so focused. I know he was scared. In the operating room they gave me a spinal block and got me all ready. I remember asking over and over for them to tell me about her heartbeat. To make sure that she was ok. At one point I stated that I heard a heartbeat and it sounded like it was picking up, that was good. That when they told me that it was my heartbeat that we were listening to. I know they needed to considering that I was going to be have the surgery, but I really didn't care about my heartbeat, as a matter of fact I found it annoying, I knew my heart was beating, I wanted to hear hers.
They let Chris come in and he gave me such a reassuring smile that I finally let a tear slip. He was so strong for me. Truly a Superman.
After what seemed like forever, we heard it. our little girl take her first breath! They took her straight over to get her cleaned up and assess she was perfect. she stopped crying and Chris brought her to me. at 1:59 am October 30th. Jordan made it and she was perfect.
I know that this is just the beginning if worrying about her. But she is so healthy and such a good girl. She wont hardly cry. She will "squawk" and then give you a little time to figure out how to fix whatever it is she wants before she does it again. Chris and I find ourselves truly blessed to have her, and we couldn't ask for better brothers for her.
Isaac amazes me with his love for her. He will sing to her in the middle of the night if she wakes him. Landon, who wasn't sure he even wanted a sister, has come around a lot. It's almost as though he can't help but fall for her but he doesn't really want people to see. I will catch him talking to her when no one is paying attention.

Dream come true!

Sitting here in my bed with Isaac watching Toy Story 2, I am trying to wrap my mind around how much in my life has changed and how much it is going to change in the next few weeks. Chris and I met ten years ago, we got married 9 years ago and started a family 8 1/2 years ago. Then 4 years ago we split up. We divided our family and did the best we could to co-parent. I am very proud that we didn't split up Christmas or the kids school stuff. We did the best we could to keep a family feeling even when we could hardly stand each other. I remember one hot August day we took the kids to River Front Park for kids day and while we were waiting for some people to show up we realized it was our anniversary when we saw a bride getting pictures taken by the river. We even joked that we should go warn her. We were far from in love. To be honest I wasn't even sure that I would ever truly love again at that point. I correlated love with pain, and I know he did to.
What Christopher and I didn't know at the time was God was working on us. He was allowing us to grow up, and strengthen our relationship with him so that he could be the center of the marriage and not just an observer. Then after three years it was like a light came on. The hate and anger in my heart was gone, I no longer doubted or feared. I knew that Chris loved God and he loved me. I know/knew that he would do anything to protect and honor me. For the first time, I felt safe. We decided that we would not tell anyone for a little while because we knew that there would be doubt and unlike when we were unhappy, we didn't feel we had anything to prove.  We knew this time it was different and that was enough for us. Thankfully we have the kind of friends and family that support us and our decisions. Ill never forget the first 4th of July of Chris and I back together and his Uncle came up and gave me a hug and told me I was missed. I also know it means the world to Chris that my family and friends are close to him as well.
After being back together for over a year we found out that our little family wasn't done growing, and now in less then 8 days we will be having a little girl that we have waited our whole lives to meet. I have always known that God was good. However, I never imagined that I would be this blessed. I am sharing my life with truly my best friend. It sounds
cliché and cheesy but it is the truth. I love being around him. He doesn't make me a better person, he doesn't complete me, it is more then that. I am a whole person that would give anything to keep him from pain. I truly believe in who he is and will support his dreams. I will always laugh with him and give him a hard time about his little feet. I am truly thankful for our life together, and I believe the reason I can be is because I know what it is like when our life is apart.

The fourth of July 2012

Wasn't published but saved in drafts is here it is::

Hey everyone!

I am so excited to be writing this blog. This fourth of July was so amazing and so much happened. Some of you may know that Christopher's grandpa owns a firework stand. The fourth of July is the big holiday of the year.  All the family comes and camps out at the Indian Reservation and it is like one big party. Well, grandpa Ed passed away last month. It left a feeling of uncertainty for the upcoming holiday. The stand stayed open and every day that we could we went out to the reservation to help out. So on the 2nd Chris packed up the boys and got the camp set up out there and I headed out after work. I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. This is the first fourth that I would be out there since Chris and I split up. We are currently seeing eachother again. and i know that our split up didn't just affect us. Both of our families have been so supportive of whatever decisions we have made and I cannot be more thankful for that. When I got there all the guys were in the back playing horseshoes. and I was greeted with big smiles and even bigger hugs. Matty, was there and it was the first i had seen him since he became healthy. I cannot even begin to express how good it was to see him. So the festivities commenced. Rosemary and her ex husband played chris and i at horse shoes. needless to say I didn't get extra points for tossing it into the yard. But there were lots of laughs. I worked the next day but jetted right out after. Liz ended up coming and staying out as well. It turned out to be the running joke that it was the ex's vs. the currents weekend. I like to say i win because I'm both. On the night of the third, we were all around the fire pit laughing and having a good time. when chris, matty and I decided to do a "blair witch" thing. I had recently won a video camera at work and so we set out to look for the boogy woogy. lol Chris tends to get a little scared (which has always made me laugh) so matty found a stick and labled it the boogy woogy beater. you can't really say that out loud without giggling a little bit. We decided to have Matty run a head and hide for Liz to come and we were going to scare her and chris had though he doubled back. Chris then decided to not want to go out any further thinking Matty had gone. I knew he haden't. Liz never came out to scare but we got Chris pretty good which i love since he was in on it. And yes! I have it all on tape :) the best part of the night though was of course there were stories of Ed through out but when chris, liz, matty, and i decieded to walk down to the creek we looked to the left and on the side of the garage that Ed had built lit by the full moon was a cross. Now there are certin ways we can rationalize it away but it was the perfect size and angle. no one could get a picture it is just something that will be in our minds. Something we shared together. It was like a sign saying I made it here because of Christ and you can too. We were in awe.
The four of us hadn't been together in at least six years. I kept turning to liz and asking did you ever think it would be this way again? Im not going to sell you guys on Chris and me. At this point there have been so many ups and downs that words don't really mean much. But if you wonder how we are doing ask liz if it is differnt this time. she has been around the whole 9 years. and she will be honest. My other favorite part was laying in the street. liz, rosemary,matty, chris and I. under the full moon. Not the most responsible thing. but its nice to see how far all of us has come. I haven't laughed as hard as that night for a very long time. I know im leaving a lot out, and i might not be painting the picture as it is in my head. but i really want this out. so years later i can look back and rememeber. The night of the fourth was amazing. Christopher did a tribute to Grandpa and the grandson's lit the fireworks. in my 9 years i haven't seen so many people out  there. We got our own 40 minute show. better then any firework show i have ever seen. One that I will never forget.

quick update....

I knew it was time to sit down and write a blog. So much has happened.....get ready for a whirlwind of information.....
Christopher was in a relationship and she passed away. I have been helping him through that grieving process. It was really hard at first but he is getting better and a good thing that has come out of this tragedy is that we are finally friends. The kind of friends that we haven't been in years and years.

In the throws of helping him my good friend Ashley got sick. She was in the Hospital for a few days but recovered. But now her ex is trying to take her daughter away. It isn't fair so I have been standing by her side. Between the two of them I am beat. I have been working around 50-70 hours a week and I am tired. it was really interesting though. I went to the court house yesterday with Ashley and it amazes me that so many people with such high degrees can all be in one area and no one knows anything. We spent almost an hour going in circles just trying to amend a parenting order. NO one knew what we needed to fill out.
What was nice though is after all that i have seen in  the last few weeks. I think I will be getting a divorce sooner rather then later. Chris and I aren't fighting about anything and if I get it filled out and him to sign it, I can do it, and even probably get the filing fee waved. There is something very intimidating about getting the paperwork done. I have been saying that i will do it on my own time. but we haven't really been married for almost two years now, that includes not living together. I think that it is time.
I'm going to go see my sister on Monday and I am super excited! I get to meet my new brother-in-law. My ex-brother-in-law doesn't really have anything to do with me anymore which breaks my heart since he has been in my life since i was 12. He was there through ALL of my boyfriends. I even lived with them for a while in high school, and I feel as though he has just forgot about me. But Cher (Phillip) my new one, has already figured out how to make me feel special and important. He is taking leave while i am down there. He is willing to watch Gilmore Girls and eat salads with me and my sister. I really think she picked a good one. i am so excited to get to know him and to just be around my sister again. Goodness knows we have been through a hard couple of years. It is definitely time for some sister time!!! Don't worry, I will take lots and lots of pictures.

Strike three...your out!

well....I tried dating....I don't know if you could call it dating. It was my ex-boyfriend from high school. My first love, the one that got away....

OK so maybe he didn't get away, more like, he left. And even though he said he changed, others had said that he had changed, he didn't. The path he takes to walk away from me is so smooth and straight. I am honestly surprised that it had taken him as long as it did to go down that road again. OK, so it didn't take THAT long...only about two months.

Here are the good things about our brief time together again. It got me back on the horse (so to speak) i felt beautiful and worth it when I was around him. After my marriage ended I was pretty content with the fact that I will be alone the rest of my life. But it felt so good to feel love again. Maybe I am meant to be alone, but I am no longer letting that be my only option. Another good thing is that he knows me. he has known me since i was 16 years old. and with me re finding myself. It was nice to not have to explain any of my past. because he was there for it.

Also, I don't have that "what if" anymore, We tried and it didn't work. Granted I never got a goodbye (which after 10 years of being there for each other I would think that I deserved one). And I ended up losing a core friendship in my life because he talked me into making a bet on something he knew I was going to lose. But still there is no longer a "what if".I had glamorized him, glamorized the memories. The truth is he is a man that is flawed. Do I think he still loves me? I think a part of him always will. Just as I him.

After every time he hurts me, he doesn't talk to me for a while but then we get back into touch. I have every confidence that this cycle, just like his leaving patterns with continue... However, this was the third time we had tried to make it would and buddy, its your third strike....your out. Don't bother asking again.

How I thought it would be, and how it is....

Landon starts kindergarten tomorrow. I cannot believe it. After the open house, we got a little packet to fill out about him. On one of the pages we need to past a family photo....we don't have one. It got me to thinking about how different this is. More differnt then I ever thought. When we got married and had Landon, so many dreams were there. Born fresh with our new life together.

I wanted to be a stay at home mom. And I was for the first few years. I wanted to be able to be home everyday when they got out of school. I was ready to be married to my best friend and show my son's how to love and what love is. We would have our nice little home, and eat dinners together and all talk about our days. When the kids went to bed, me and my husband would talk about our life. Plan our next family vacation, or just watch a movie.

As it is, I am the farthest thing from a stay at home mom. I work full time, and then some.but when Im not working I have the boys every second I can. Chris has decided to give me full custody. he is going to only have them Friday & Saturday nights. We are trying to make a more stable routine for the boys.He is in a  new relationship right now and I am forbidden to talk about it because he doesn't want anyone to find out who it is. I think that is a little funny. But because of the new relationship he is taking the boys less and less. They are starting to really miss him. I am doing the same as I did when I first left. I am being consistent and there. I may not be the parent that they want to talk to at a certain time, or see. But I am here and I'm not leaving. As Chris makes these choices that are hurting them, I am there with open arms and loving hands. It's all I know to do.

The dreams that I had arn't coming true in the way that I thought that they would. They are evolving into better ones! I have found strength that I never knew I had. I work hard and I love hard. Those boys are my world! And is it lonely? yep. it is. I wont sacrifice my moments with them to be with someone else.

Its been a while I know...

Wow! Haven't said a word to you guys since April! I'm sorry for neglecting you! Im still working for at&t. It's going really well. The only thing is, I have a HUGE rule that I don't date people that I work with. My ex-boyfriend from high school ended up working at the same place for a while, and when we broke up it was so awkward. Ever since then I have never dated anyone I work with. Just not worth it. No fishing in the Company pond here!
As it turns out it is just as awkward to turn down a date. This poor guy. He is super sweet. But here is the thing...
1. I don't want to date right now anyway because I'm trying to figure out my feelings for someone....
2. I don't date ppl I work with!
3. I don't have time, I have the boys all the time, and no one is meeting them anytime soon.
Not sure what to do. I don't want to hurt his feelings.