quick update....

I knew it was time to sit down and write a blog. So much has happened.....get ready for a whirlwind of information.....
Christopher was in a relationship and she passed away. I have been helping him through that grieving process. It was really hard at first but he is getting better and a good thing that has come out of this tragedy is that we are finally friends. The kind of friends that we haven't been in years and years.

In the throws of helping him my good friend Ashley got sick. She was in the Hospital for a few days but recovered. But now her ex is trying to take her daughter away. It isn't fair so I have been standing by her side. Between the two of them I am beat. I have been working around 50-70 hours a week and I am tired. it was really interesting though. I went to the court house yesterday with Ashley and it amazes me that so many people with such high degrees can all be in one area and no one knows anything. We spent almost an hour going in circles just trying to amend a parenting order. NO one knew what we needed to fill out.
What was nice though is after all that i have seen in  the last few weeks. I think I will be getting a divorce sooner rather then later. Chris and I aren't fighting about anything and if I get it filled out and him to sign it, I can do it, and even probably get the filing fee waved. There is something very intimidating about getting the paperwork done. I have been saying that i will do it on my own time. but we haven't really been married for almost two years now, that includes not living together. I think that it is time.
I'm going to go see my sister on Monday and I am super excited! I get to meet my new brother-in-law. My ex-brother-in-law doesn't really have anything to do with me anymore which breaks my heart since he has been in my life since i was 12. He was there through ALL of my boyfriends. I even lived with them for a while in high school, and I feel as though he has just forgot about me. But Cher (Phillip) my new one, has already figured out how to make me feel special and important. He is taking leave while i am down there. He is willing to watch Gilmore Girls and eat salads with me and my sister. I really think she picked a good one. i am so excited to get to know him and to just be around my sister again. Goodness knows we have been through a hard couple of years. It is definitely time for some sister time!!! Don't worry, I will take lots and lots of pictures.

Strike three...your out!

well....I tried dating....I don't know if you could call it dating. It was my ex-boyfriend from high school. My first love, the one that got away....

OK so maybe he didn't get away, more like, he left. And even though he said he changed, others had said that he had changed, he didn't. The path he takes to walk away from me is so smooth and straight. I am honestly surprised that it had taken him as long as it did to go down that road again. OK, so it didn't take THAT long...only about two months.

Here are the good things about our brief time together again. It got me back on the horse (so to speak) i felt beautiful and worth it when I was around him. After my marriage ended I was pretty content with the fact that I will be alone the rest of my life. But it felt so good to feel love again. Maybe I am meant to be alone, but I am no longer letting that be my only option. Another good thing is that he knows me. he has known me since i was 16 years old. and with me re finding myself. It was nice to not have to explain any of my past. because he was there for it.

Also, I don't have that "what if" anymore, We tried and it didn't work. Granted I never got a goodbye (which after 10 years of being there for each other I would think that I deserved one). And I ended up losing a core friendship in my life because he talked me into making a bet on something he knew I was going to lose. But still there is no longer a "what if".I had glamorized him, glamorized the memories. The truth is he is a man that is flawed. Do I think he still loves me? I think a part of him always will. Just as I him.

After every time he hurts me, he doesn't talk to me for a while but then we get back into touch. I have every confidence that this cycle, just like his leaving patterns with continue... However, this was the third time we had tried to make it would and buddy, its your third strike....your out. Don't bother asking again.