quick update....

I knew it was time to sit down and write a blog. So much has happened.....get ready for a whirlwind of information.....
Christopher was in a relationship and she passed away. I have been helping him through that grieving process. It was really hard at first but he is getting better and a good thing that has come out of this tragedy is that we are finally friends. The kind of friends that we haven't been in years and years.

In the throws of helping him my good friend Ashley got sick. She was in the Hospital for a few days but recovered. But now her ex is trying to take her daughter away. It isn't fair so I have been standing by her side. Between the two of them I am beat. I have been working around 50-70 hours a week and I am tired. it was really interesting though. I went to the court house yesterday with Ashley and it amazes me that so many people with such high degrees can all be in one area and no one knows anything. We spent almost an hour going in circles just trying to amend a parenting order. NO one knew what we needed to fill out.
What was nice though is after all that i have seen in  the last few weeks. I think I will be getting a divorce sooner rather then later. Chris and I aren't fighting about anything and if I get it filled out and him to sign it, I can do it, and even probably get the filing fee waved. There is something very intimidating about getting the paperwork done. I have been saying that i will do it on my own time. but we haven't really been married for almost two years now, that includes not living together. I think that it is time.
I'm going to go see my sister on Monday and I am super excited! I get to meet my new brother-in-law. My ex-brother-in-law doesn't really have anything to do with me anymore which breaks my heart since he has been in my life since i was 12. He was there through ALL of my boyfriends. I even lived with them for a while in high school, and I feel as though he has just forgot about me. But Cher (Phillip) my new one, has already figured out how to make me feel special and important. He is taking leave while i am down there. He is willing to watch Gilmore Girls and eat salads with me and my sister. I really think she picked a good one. i am so excited to get to know him and to just be around my sister again. Goodness knows we have been through a hard couple of years. It is definitely time for some sister time!!! Don't worry, I will take lots and lots of pictures.

Strike three...your out!

well....I tried dating....I don't know if you could call it dating. It was my ex-boyfriend from high school. My first love, the one that got away....

OK so maybe he didn't get away, more like, he left. And even though he said he changed, others had said that he had changed, he didn't. The path he takes to walk away from me is so smooth and straight. I am honestly surprised that it had taken him as long as it did to go down that road again. OK, so it didn't take THAT long...only about two months.

Here are the good things about our brief time together again. It got me back on the horse (so to speak) i felt beautiful and worth it when I was around him. After my marriage ended I was pretty content with the fact that I will be alone the rest of my life. But it felt so good to feel love again. Maybe I am meant to be alone, but I am no longer letting that be my only option. Another good thing is that he knows me. he has known me since i was 16 years old. and with me re finding myself. It was nice to not have to explain any of my past. because he was there for it.

Also, I don't have that "what if" anymore, We tried and it didn't work. Granted I never got a goodbye (which after 10 years of being there for each other I would think that I deserved one). And I ended up losing a core friendship in my life because he talked me into making a bet on something he knew I was going to lose. But still there is no longer a "what if".I had glamorized him, glamorized the memories. The truth is he is a man that is flawed. Do I think he still loves me? I think a part of him always will. Just as I him.

After every time he hurts me, he doesn't talk to me for a while but then we get back into touch. I have every confidence that this cycle, just like his leaving patterns with continue... However, this was the third time we had tried to make it would and buddy, its your third strike....your out. Don't bother asking again.

How I thought it would be, and how it is....

Landon starts kindergarten tomorrow. I cannot believe it. After the open house, we got a little packet to fill out about him. On one of the pages we need to past a family photo....we don't have one. It got me to thinking about how different this is. More differnt then I ever thought. When we got married and had Landon, so many dreams were there. Born fresh with our new life together.

I wanted to be a stay at home mom. And I was for the first few years. I wanted to be able to be home everyday when they got out of school. I was ready to be married to my best friend and show my son's how to love and what love is. We would have our nice little home, and eat dinners together and all talk about our days. When the kids went to bed, me and my husband would talk about our life. Plan our next family vacation, or just watch a movie.

As it is, I am the farthest thing from a stay at home mom. I work full time, and then some.but when Im not working I have the boys every second I can. Chris has decided to give me full custody. he is going to only have them Friday & Saturday nights. We are trying to make a more stable routine for the boys.He is in a  new relationship right now and I am forbidden to talk about it because he doesn't want anyone to find out who it is. I think that is a little funny. But because of the new relationship he is taking the boys less and less. They are starting to really miss him. I am doing the same as I did when I first left. I am being consistent and there. I may not be the parent that they want to talk to at a certain time, or see. But I am here and I'm not leaving. As Chris makes these choices that are hurting them, I am there with open arms and loving hands. It's all I know to do.

The dreams that I had arn't coming true in the way that I thought that they would. They are evolving into better ones! I have found strength that I never knew I had. I work hard and I love hard. Those boys are my world! And is it lonely? yep. it is. I wont sacrifice my moments with them to be with someone else.

Its been a while I know...

Wow! Haven't said a word to you guys since April! I'm sorry for neglecting you! Im still working for at&t. It's going really well. The only thing is, I have a HUGE rule that I don't date people that I work with. My ex-boyfriend from high school ended up working at the same place for a while, and when we broke up it was so awkward. Ever since then I have never dated anyone I work with. Just not worth it. No fishing in the Company pond here!
As it turns out it is just as awkward to turn down a date. This poor guy. He is super sweet. But here is the thing...
1. I don't want to date right now anyway because I'm trying to figure out my feelings for someone....
2. I don't date ppl I work with!
3. I don't have time, I have the boys all the time, and no one is meeting them anytime soon.
Not sure what to do. I don't want to hurt his feelings.

Friendship

Where to start? First of all I have a new job, OK it's not so new because I have worked there for about two months now. I basically work for at&t in customer service. There is a lot of pressure around it but I am loving it. I have made some really awesome new friends there. I didn't know that I was at a point in my life  to be able to make friends that easily. I mean come on it isn't high school anymore. But that is what I want to talk about today. Friendship. What it means to me, when you say I'm your friend, how seriously I take that. Also, the big question....is it really harder when you lose a girlfriend or a boyfriend. I will talk about that as well.

When I say that you are my friend, to me that means I would do anything for you. I will be there when I don't agree with what your choices are. I will help you put your life and spirit back together when it all falls apart. I will laugh with you, cry with you and listen into the wee hours of the mornings. I will be loyal to you. If someone crosses you then they have crossed me. I will be honest with you, I will give you advise. and if you don't listen to it then I wont get upset. I will count on you. I will trust you.

I am going to focus on the two main friendships in my life. "Holly" and "Beth" not their real names for some of what I'm going to talk about isn't that flattering. If you know me, you will know who I am talking about for the most part.

 When I first met Holly, i was six years old and had just moved into the neighborhood. We became friends instantly. She is the oldest of four kids and I am the youngest of three. We would play hide and seek, dress up and house. only instead of dolls we would use her twin sisters. When we were ten, we got into a huge, and I mean HUGE fight and didn't say a word to each other for four years. Keep in mind we only lived two houses down from each other. So that did take some effort. When I was fourteen I was leaving my private school and going back to public. My next-door neighbor had called us both over at the same time so that we could talk since we were going to be going to the same high school and we became inseparable ever all through high school. Our friendship never wavered even when I moved from Washington to Texas. We stayed strong. Never fighting over the same boy. Never backstabbing each other. That is not to say we didn't fight. We just never betrayed each other. She knew all my deepest darkest secrets, my biggest dreams, and my worst fears and never used any of them against me. And I her, no matter how mad I got with her I always had this underlying sense of loyalty. We are still best friends to this day. We have been there for each other in every major joy and sadness in each other's lives. She is what I would describe as my soul mate. Whenever I feel like I have lost who I am she is quick to remind me. She calls me out on my bullshit. And truly loves me for who she knows I am.


Then there is Beth. We met at our first job and to be honest I didn't like her from the start. She was quiet so I thought she was snobby. I was nice to her but I had no interest in being her friend. We didn't go to the same school, I only had to deal with her at work. Then when my boyfriend at the time and I broke up. He hit on her. She came to me immediately and told me what had happened and said. "I don't like seeing my friends being treated that way. he is an ass" At that moment i ate my feelings I couldn't believe that I had judged her so quickly. She had no reason to be loyal to me and yet she was. That is when we became friends. She was in my wedding. When both of my boys were born and when I found out my new husband was cheating on me. Up until the point that I left him. I had been there for her as well. I was the ONLY friend that loved her though the most difficult decision in her life. I was the ONLY friend that when she made choices, I said I love you and Ill be here for you when you need me. Yet when I made the most difficult decision in my life. Leaving my husband and breaking up my family, she was no where to be found. What hurts is Landon and Isaac miss her and I have nothing to say as to why she is gone. I have tried talking to her, but nothing. I'm not even mad. Just really very hurt. I guess I just got spoiled with Holly. She would never pull something like that. "A pure bond" I guess Beth and my bond wasn't as pure as I thought.

To be honest, losing my friendship with Beth was harder then losing my marriage. I know that sounds a little backwards but when I left my husband I had literally been preparing myself for that day since he had a girlfriend while I was pregnant with our second son. I had always hoped we could work it out but I always knew there was the possibility that it wouldn't. My friendship ending with Beth came out of left field. Without reason or notice we just were not friends anymore.




After all this had happened with Beth I really didn't think that I would be open to new friendships. But was I wrong! I have met some of the most awesome people at my new job and we get along really well. We have a lot in common, for example children they are young mom's as well which is the only thing that I have been missing in either one of those two friendships that I talked about earlier. OK, well I think I have written enough for now. Feel free to leave a comment. I would love to hear your opinion about anything that I have written about.


Truly,
Melisa

When I looked up the definition of friendship my favorite was. "a pure bond" that is a perfect way to describe how it should be.

New Journey

This is my new blog. I will be sharing what it is like to be 26 divorcing and now a single mom of two small children. I will take you on the adventure of trying to find my place in the great big world again, not as a wife or a mom but as a woman.

I got married and had a family before I knew what being a woman meant. I spent five plus years trying to be something I knew nothing about. Now, I am re-discovering who I am, and I want you to come with me on this expedition.

So Enjoy!
~MP